This weekend was a rough one emotionally and physically. After a Saturday where we cleaned and played with kids nonstop (house vacuumed, swept, mopped, all kitchen cabinets wiped down, dusting done, bathroom scrubbed, toys bleached, washed, dried, and put away, soup made, multiple loads of laundry done, plus the regular every-day chores like dishes), we were ready to crash Saturday night. Instead of that happening, we found ourselves on the road at 2am Sunday morning with our two kids and my younger sister crammed into the back seat, on our way up north for a family meeting at my grandmother's ICU hospital bed. Twenty-four hours later, we were back in North Carolina, barely in one piece emotionally and mentally, but all there (albeit very tired) physically. I'm so glad we made the trip up. Seeing my extended family was really good, and it was the first time in years that so many of us have been together.
What stood out to me the most was my grandmother's interaction with my grandfather, and the reminder to me of how I want to live my life-- and who I have the joy of sharing that life with.
It also reminded me of the uncertainty of life, and how we never know when the end is here. We're sick and in the hospital today-- is it today? Or do we have another three years to live? Twenty years? Thirty? Fifty? We're healthy today...but could it still be today?
Who knows but God?
I'm reminded of Jonathan Edwards' "Resolved" statements. He was convicted of time wasted, and he wrote out a series of statements detailing his determinations. Statements like, "Resolved, Never to lose one moment of time, but to improve it in the most profitable way I possibly can." "Resolved, To live with all my might, while I do live." "Resolved, Never to do anything, which I should be afraid to do if it were the last hour of my life." "Resolved, To act, in all respects, both speaking and doing, as if nobody had been so vile as I … and prompt only an occasion of my confessing my own sins and misery to God." "Resolved, Never to speak evil of any, except I have some particular good call to it." "Resolved, to ask myself, at the end of every day, week, month, and year, wherein I could possibly, in any respect, have done better."
If there's one thing I took away from my educational classes at Bryan and my subsequent experiences teaching, it's to be a reflective teacher. No teacher has the perfect formula, and no class of children is ever the same as another. Think carefully before a lesson, think during that lesson, and then at the end, rather than putting it from your mind and moving onto the next lesson, reflect on what you just did. Was it a good lesson? Did you anticipate the problems that came up? What steps could you have changed to make things simpler? Clearer? More concise? Was this the best way to reach this particular child/group of students?
Everyone makes mistakes-- but not everyone learns from them. Everyone has successes, but not all of us step back to look at why we were successful. I've made so many mistakes in the last six months it makes me sick to think about it. But I need to. I want to. (And I don't want to at the same time...) I want to learn from what I've already screwed up in, and I want to do better. But if I don't take the time to think and reflect, it's much harder to change and do better in the future. I've thought many times about doing my own set of "Resolved" statements in an effort to be more deliberate in my actions and help set my own priorities--and see where my priorities need to change.
It reminds me of when I was a child on Bonaire (so under the age of seven) and learned the word "regret." I can remember lying in my bed thinking, I don't want to ever have any regrets. It made me sad for days, and my thoughts frequently went back to the word and how sad it must be to have regrets.
I already have regrets, and I'm only 23. But I want to minimize those for the future. I want to live my life deliberately, not hanging on by the seat of my pants, making snap decisions and reacting to life. I want to act, and I want to actively and continuously reflect on my decisions and actions. I want to get to the age of eighty and look around me and think, Lord, I did my best. Because right now, I couldn't honestly say that. I'm comfortable where I am, getting by in life and happy in it. But I'm not living my best, or striving to live every single minute of every single hour for His glory.
What do you want to think about your life when you're eighty?
